Saturday, May 30, 2009

Postpartum Depression 4.5 Months Later?

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately. I am ridiculously down and out. Not severely depressed, but definitely a downer. It all started when I started getting annoyed with Frank's summer job a few weeks ago. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the whole summer with him working there this year. I cannot wait for October to get here and for his winter job to begin...and he said he won't be going back to the snack bar next year...thank goodness! But, that still leaves 4 more months ahead of me of dealing with this. I am alone with the twins 11 hours a day...which, don't get me wrong, I love being with them and staying home with them. I love seeing all the new things they do and getting to play with them and take them out and show them off. We go to our baby and twin play groups and go for walks, and we get out of the house a lot. But after a while of constantly being with them 11 hours straight a day, 7 days a week, all by myself, it takes it's toll. At Frank's winter job, he works I have someone at night with me, and he gets to actually spend time with his kids. But not all summer. It's just me. And I get burnt out and inpatient and frustrated. Who wouldn't? But there's really nothing I can do. I have nobody else to really help me, so I just have to deal.

But I am so down, it's unbelievable. I can't remember the last time I felt this way. I would never hurt myself or my children, never, never, never, never in a million years. But I am just feeling really low. And nobody knows what I am feeling, not even Frank. I mean, he knows how I feel, but I haven't talked about it with him in depth for him to REALLY get how I am feeling. And just when I think I can actually talk to a "friend" about it, I get stabbed in the back and they blab their mouth all over to everyone else. Nice, huh?

I live and breathe for my children. They are the only thing that gets me through each day right now. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't even get out of bed. But, they need me, and that keeps me going, as down as I am and as much as I just want to curl up in a little ball until October rolls around and things get better and easier. But I am always there for my children...they are my LIFE, my WORLD. Without them, I would probably be worse than I am right now.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel better, emotionally. It's just awful.

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