Thursday, January 14, 2010

Censoring Myself

Have you ever felt like you can't say something on your mind, in fear of what people may think of you? It's not a very good feeling. Let me share my story!

In 2008, I joined the website, I was looking for support after experiencing my second miscarriage. I jumped from group to group on the message boards, trying to find where I fit in, and who I "clicked" with. I finally found a wonderful group of girls that I really connected with, and that supported me in my hard time. And the best part was we were all trying to conceive at the same time, so we could support each other through those troubles. Eventually, we all got pregnant, and embarked on another new, exciting journey together towards motherhood. We were there for each other through thick and thin, good times and bad, just like friends should be. I connected with these girls more than I ever connected with my friends in "real" life, and it was so nice to have them to talk to and share laughs, tears, joys, and sorrows with.

Fast forward to late last year. I was in a sticky situation with a wedding involving Frank's best friend and the babies' Godparents. Long story short, the bride and I had a falling out over silly stuff, I was uninvited to the wedding, and Frank and I were trying to figure out a good compromise for him to go to the wedding to support his friend as his best man, without it being awkward without me or having me stuck at home, upset over something so stupid and silly. I vented to these girls about it, like we all did. Every time we had something difficult going on in our lives, we shared it with each other, got advice from each other, and supported each other. But I guess not this time. Not for me, anyway. At first, I got great support and advice. But then it turned into calling me out as being "immature," "childish," "selfish," and so on and so forth. Suddenly, I felt very different toward some (NOT ALL) of these girls I thought were my good friends. Why was I being ganged up on and called out for doing what everyone else did? I was sharing yet another hardship in this crazy journey called life, looking for the support of these girls whom I considered to be like sisters to me, and all I got in return were insults and hurtful words. Some were meant to be constructive criticism, and I could appreciate that. But others were simply meant to be hurtful, to push me out of the group.

I took a break from posting for a while, to let things blow over and get back to "normal." But, when I came back, ready to start over, I got a surprise. Apparently, everybody had left that group, and gone on to form another different private group, without me. And nobody told me. Nobody even had the courage or "balls" enough to give me a straight up answer when I confronted them about it and asked what the heck was going on. Pretty shitty, right?

While I still think very fondly of a select few of these girls (4 or 5 to be exact), and I know they had no big part in it, it's still upsetting. Or, it was before. I've come to the point now where I just don't care. But, to be so close with these girls for so long, and then be ganged up on and then after all of that, be made to look like an idiot as some of them conspired behind my back to run off and make another group was even worse. Don't get me wrong, it was nice to finally see who my true friends were. But, it would have been even nicer if I didn't waste over a year of my time with some of these ladies, thinking they were my friends when really, they weren't. I shared extremely personal things with these girls, things I don't take lightly or share with just anyone, and in turn, I got stabbed in the back.

I am still friends with a few of these girls, off of the boards though. These are the select few that I hold nothing against, as I know it wasn't their idea, they weren't the "masterminds" behind it.

Right after all of this happened, I felt like I had to censor myself on my social networking sites where most of those girls were on my friend's list, in fear that if I didn't "watch" what I said in my status updates, etc., I would be looked down on again, and insulted further. If these people had really been my friends to begin with, I wouldn't have to censor myself or feel so awkward. I don't feel that way with my other friends.

The bottom line is:

I shouldn't have to censor myself from posting what I want, when I want, because some people can't handle information in a professional manner.


Sarah said...

I saw that you started a blog on babycenter - and if this is about the group we were in.. the private board isn't by invitation. You just email the moderator and join. It was just made for anyone but made private so that only the members of the board could see it. The privacy is just to keep lurkers away and to respect our privacy. Nobody was keeping anyone away or not allowing certain people in. You were welcome to be apart of the board. Hope that clears everything up!

Blake said...

I'm not sure what group you are referring to?

I didn't start a blog on babycenter, I just have this blog linked to BBC, so everytime I post something here, it posts to BBC as well.