It has been a while since I have been able to update this blog the way I would like to, but our family has been through quite a bit of changes in the past several months.
I have waited on blogging about this for several reasons. I wasn't sure if it was too "personal," and bringing it all back up sometimes brings back emotions I don't want to deal with or don't have time to deal with.
Frank and I have decided to separate and get a divorce. We decided to separate back in November, and I filed for divorce in January. I will spare the intense and negative details of most of the situation, but it boils down to Frank's battle with alcoholism. He is an alcoholic, and that habit only got worse in the past year. It has always been around but has seemed to be off and on through the years, until we got pregnant with Kendall, and that's when things really seemed to go farther downhill than any one could have imagined.
I wish Frank nothing but the best in the rest of his life and especially in his work towards hopefully getting sober and staying that way, but I cannot put myself or our children through this any longer.
It's funny, I never realized how hidden I kept the addiction piece until now, when I am out of the marriage and can really look at myself and our relationship as it was then. I also never realized how beat down and crushed I was by him and his actions until I stepped away from the marriage.
It still hurts, and from what I hear, that will never go away, but I don't miss him. I miss the person he USED to be, and that person, at this point, is long gone. If that same person ever comes back out, it won't be for many years down the road and I will long be moved on then, so it will be too little, too late.
So, I am now a newly single mother of 4 children ages 5 and under, and to say it's hard and overwhelming is a huge understatement. The relationship and communication between me and Frank is either non existent, strained, tense, or we are arguing and being vindictive. It's heartbreaking to think of how two lovers could become strangers.
But, the children and I are doing okay. We all have various forms of support to help us through the tough days and the good and happy days are actually more peaceful and happier than before. I know the children will thank me years later for taking them out of such a volatile and negative situation, and for being their rock and standing by them through everything, and that could never be a bad thing. They are my reason to keep living each day, even the days when I still feel like I will literally fall apart from the physical pain of the heartbreak and hurt.