Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I Lost It.

In them getting older, wiser, and exploring their personalities and the world around them, the twins have been testing my patience more and more. And yesterday, Merasia pushed me to my breaking point.

Monday's are a little crazy as it is. For starters, it's Monday. That's bad enough right? Secondly, it's hubs first day back to work after being home with us for 2 days in a row, so the kids miss daddy and don't completely understand why he isn't here with us for a third day. Mornings are a busy, hectic time in our home, and on Monday's, lunch is moved up a little earlier, as we have to be at the twins' speech therapy appointment for noon, and getting out of the house on time with 3 kids is never an easy feat. But, that wasn't even the issue this Monday. It was when we came back from speech therapy that this mama boiled over. The kids were over tired as it was, and were already whining over something or other...or at least in the early stages of a meltdown. When we did finally get home, I got Mason down for a nap since he fell asleep in the van. I got Connor out of his car seat and in the house and Merasia was giving me an issue getting out of her car seat and out of the van. I could tell then that it was going to be a little rough. I did manage to get her in the house and was beyond ready for the quiet of nap time so my patience was short at that time. Connor cooperated and got in bed, but Merasia was anything but cooperative. I forget what completely set her off or the trouble she was giving me, but it did involve the potty at one point. In fact, that's where the majority of our power struggle took place. 

(Meltdowns at this age were so much easier to deal with than they are now):

She cried and screamed. I yelled and was a little rough. Not hurtful, but rough. If she said she had to potty and then I said okay, she'd say no and refuse. And this would go on and on until I grabbed her, took her pants off, ripped her underwear off her little toosh, and plopped her on the potty. Not very gently either. And this resulted in more crying and screaming from her. And rebellion. Other words were said (I can't recall them now, but they were not nice and not calm), and these were followed by more cries, screams, and red faced tears. And I even broke down and cried a little. And then, just as soon as it had happened, it all ended and we were done. I got her dressed, hugged, her apologized, wiped her tears, and got her tucked in to bed for nap time.

And then, sitting on the couch thinking about Merasia's sad, scared, red, tear stained face, I literally felt my heart break. I felt completely and utterly awful. I put myself in Merasia's shoes and tried to imagine how she must have felt and what she must have been thinking the whole time I was yelling and being mean. I can't help but think she must have been wondering where her mommy was, because this crazy woman in front of her was definitely not her happy, loving mama.

I think she may have forgotten by the time she woke up from her nap. But, I can't know for certain. And I know her love is unconditional and she loves me no matter what, but that doesn't make me feel any better. No amount of extra hugs or snuggles, extra kisses or I love you's can take away how I acted, and it breaks my heart and bring tears to my eyes every time I think back to it. I know these mommy moments are normal, and they happen to everyone, and it's okay and blah, blah, blah. But I just can't get over it. 

I am just glad it's over and hope it never happens again. Or, at least not to the level that it did yesterday.

However, I can't help but erase that moment from my mind when we have days like this:

1 comment:

Amanda @ Life, Experience Needed said...

It happens, more than I'd like to admit. I tell my son that I'm sorry and that I don't want to yell at him. We talk about what we can do differently and explain that I love him, all the time.

It's really all we can do.

Don't beat yourself up too bad. It happens to all us mamas