Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I Miss My Old Life...

It's not secret that your life changes drastically when you have a child. When you are a parent of multiples (twins, triplets, etc.) it's more different than any other parent could ever have imagined. I have so many friends that have only had one baby at a time, and yet they still think their life and the changes they have seen or made are the same as ours with multiples. Well, here's a reality check: It's Not.

It's very, very different. I can't quite explain it, but just trust me on this. It's something nobody will truly understand until they have multiples themselves. 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss my old life. Don't get me wrong; I would never trade our children for anything in this world. No amount of money, no material items, and no chance to go back to my old life could ever make me want to trade in what I have now. But, it's completely normal to want that old life back. 

We had such a good thing going then. We hardly fought, as there was less stress. We could pick up and go anywhere and do anything, whenever we wanted. We had more income with my working, and more money left every week so that was less stressful as well. We had nice, quiet dinners together, stayed up late watching movies or hanging out with friends, snuggled all night or got intimate more regularly, slept in late on the mornings we didn't need to get up for work, and just enjoyed each other's company. 

We knew things would change some when we decided to venture into the world of starting a family. We just didn't know how certain things would change, or how drastically things would change, simply due to how many babies we were having at once.

The twins have added thousands of dollars to our yearly expenses, and tons more stress to our marriage. Any relationship is work; add twins, triplets, or more to that equation, and the work multiples by 100. Seriously. Having twins has taken a tremendous toll on us as individuals, and us as a couple. 

I miss my husband. I'm sure he misses his wife. I miss lying around on rainy Sunday mornings. I miss not worrying about 2 or 3 other little lives. I miss staying up late together. I miss snuggling. I miss date nights. I miss quiet dinner times. I miss our intimacy. I miss our old relationship.

Again, don't think I regret having my children or the life I have now. I have so many more different things in life now and things to be extra thankful for, and having children is something we both wanted. But that doesn't mean we aren't human and that doesn't mean we don't have feelings and yearn for aspects of our old life, before children, back. 

The divorce rate for parents of twins (or triplets, quadruplets, etc.) is three times higher than the rate for parents of single pregnancy babies, or couples with no children, simply because of how much more changes and stress there are with 2 (or 3, 4, 5 or 6) babies at a time. I never got married with the idea of getting divorced some day, but the reality of every marriage, is that there are times when things may not be they way they used to be for whatever reason. I don't care how long you know someone before you get married; When you exchange rings and vows and you sign that paper, everything changes. You can know somebody for your entire life, from the day you are born, and get married and think everything is going to be easy peasy and great since you know everything there is to know about each other or you have grown up together. 


I can't seem to explain it, but everything changes with marriage, regardless of circumstances. So, though I set out in marriage completely turned off from divorce, I have since changed my mind on that a bit, and understand that there are some reasons for divorce that may arise later in a marriage, and the truth is...that is okay. 

Change happens; Divorce happens. Many people who won't let themselves believe in change or divorce say "well if you believe in that, then you shouldn't have gotten married."

To that, I say bull crap. That's like saying if we miss the lives we had and things we did before we had children, then we shouldn't have had children. It's ridiculous.

The cold hard truth is people and things change, and how are we supposed to know that when we enter into things such as marriage? We can't. So why continue living a lie and hiding from it for years, and being unhappy? Face the facts, and be okay with them.

People change as the years go by. People find themselves, who they truly are, and decide what and who it is in life that they truly love. People change, and grow...and the sad reality is, some people grow apart. 

Many things contribute to this, and one of the most common is having children, and the toll it takes on any relationship.

Let me stress that this is not what is happening with us. But it's a truth that a lot of people in our position don't want to face or realize. Just as things happen, things change, and people change. And that is okay.

Just as it's okay for me to miss my old life before children, but still thank God every second of every day for blessing us with the children we do have and the life we have today.

1 comment:

Heather said...

Thank you for writing this, Blake. It was just what I needed to hear today. I have been so depressed lately and feeling like a failure because of my divorce and never getting to see my children. It's nice to know that there are people out there who understand that sometimes, no matter what happens, divorce is a reality. It doesn't undo all the good that happened in a relationship, but sometimes- it's the only way to be a complete person. <3 I love you and your family, and I am so glad you're my friend.